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Independent Funeral Choice - Sudden Death

 

There was a time, when we served our dearly departed personally, before the funeral undertaker set up in business. Joiners joined forces with taxi drivers, and this is how this industry derived. All they are really are labourers in suits. Laboured service to which they are paid.

The industry later adopted a practice of calling themselves ‘directors’, but it is my opinion that they do not control (as in the definition of director suggests), anything! The directors are the bereaved. Alternatively, should the undertaker see themselves as supervising actors in directing the actions in a production of a show, that would be more, acceptable. This is what they are paid for, amongst other services.

They are a business as any other, who is mindful of the health of their profits. I do not imagine that many would consult for free, and advise their customer of how they may conduct a funeral entirely independent of their own service, although I would be interested in hearing from those that do. As to date, I have only heard from one.

I don’t dispute that there maybe some that hold genuine compassion for their clients, but it does not detract from the fact that they are not charitable organisations.

One undertaker wrote to me and criticised my view and mentioned that he awaited payment from his clients, as do many I am sure, but then if they didn’t, I doubt that many would gain the business they desired. There has to be an element of trust, as our loved ones are entrusted into the hands of the funeral undertaker.

 

There needs to be much more focus and awareness in our culture about what to do after death. This would go some way to dispelling the ‘taboo’. My parents thought that by speaking of their wishes that it would somehow inflict a quick departure and I am sure that we, as individuals inherit and grow with this knowledge. What a shame, as it comes to us all and sadly, sometimes very prematurely as it did for my son and many others in our society.

 

Without seeming to be morbid, we are living in an age where our children are dying in great numbers as a result of road traffic collisions, knife and gun crimes, through to drug related deaths. One never expects to succeed their child and the trauma that one is already under in such circumstance is bad enough. To then have the need to make funeral arrangements within days of our beloved sudden demise, confused and bewildered, are critical times where we endeavour to do right by the ones we love.

No one can prepare another for the heart wrenching grief that is felt when we lose a loved one, but to prepare the public, the potentially bereaved, for the practicalities of making funeral arrangements, beyond making a visit to the local funeral parlour, is one vital element in the recovery process.

A funeral is the last loving act that one can do for another. Without any former preparations, and when needing to act in a critical situation, the bereaved need to have a sense of some satisfaction that they ‘got it right’ under the circumstance, as we don’t get a second chance!

 

Statistics suggest that we each would make a purchase the service of an undertaker, twice in ones lifetime? I am assuming that this is based on ones parents?

I have had the sad personal experience of arranging three funerals that of my parents and most recently my son. My brother also, as he sadly lost his own adult child, and with his remaining son losing his son, sadly just two days old.

All of us were not prepared for the demise of our dearly departed, and all have expressed that they did not know their rights, but were guided by inherent, traditional knowledge, about what to do after death, and that’s visiting the undertaker.

 

To have a bad funeral experience which results in hindsight regret, as experienced by many, is too much to cope with, in addition to the grief that a person is already suffering.

My son had many wonderful friends, leaving me with a much loved younger network of people to support me, as that of my remaining son and grandchildren. Each and every one of them, are now familiar with the rights of the bereaved.

Our world carries uncertainty of life and I firmly believe, that it is not just the elder of our society, but the younger generation that need to be familiarised with their legal rights. Whilst retaining a sensitive approach, given the nature of the subject, I hope to reach this generation by a number of means that I hope will go some way to a change in our cultural attitude that surrounds what to do after death.

Education is needed and preferably conducted, outside of any influence of trade associations.

 

One example of this is the fine example of The Child Bereavement Charity www.childbereavement.org.uk which has a policy in developing the curriculum and pastoral support. Using case studies and drawing on best practice, this resource aims to help those in schools address death, dying and bereavement from both a pastoral care and educating perspective.

Hopefully in time, there may be a different cultural perspective and I believe that’s this can only be derived from education. I would ask all working in advanced bereavement education programmes, to consider if your information is reaching others prior to the potential experience of bereavement?

 

Many in the funeral industry would and do hold, great criticism of my comments, my answer to this would be, for those that disable their clients (and they know who they are) be more open and honest with your pricing, contractual agreements, terms and conditions. If you sense that my comments are unfounded, please write to me and also let me know why you imagine you should be titled director as It is further my opinion, that given that the ‘establishment’ has also adopted supporting the title of director, trade associations and its members, can continue to believe many of  their own contrived misconceptions.

 

I feel strongly that people need to know that they can conduct and arrange a funeral by independent means and whilst I appreciate that for some, this could prove far too distressing, people need to be aware of their options so that they can make informed choice, as was Virginia Prifti.

Virginia kept her son Lawrence at home who sadly died at the age of eight years. She lovingly laid him in his bed until the time came to take him to the crematorium, which she conducted with her family and friends in her own vehicle. Lawrence’s story offers a good contrast to what one may do independently. http://www.act.org.uk/content/view/74/130/

 

You have a voice. It is not disrespectful to the deceased to speak up if you are unhappy with a service provider whether that is about a funeral undertaker, florist or a priest etc. If others judge or question your motive, let them. I have sensed others frowning a little on what I am doing (fortunately only a few)? I think of my son and the way he and I have been treated, and I know that he would be spurring me on to fight his corner.

You have every legal right to carry out a funeral, independent of a funeral undertaker, should you wish to do so, outside of being environmentally friendly as the ‘green’ approach suggests, or that of a Humanist who is removed from God. There are many options available to afford the bereaved choice as depicted in the Charter for the Bereaved http://www.iccm-uk.com/?pagenumber=23

Please familiarise yourself with your rights as specified in the Charter. Forearmed is forewarned, and ignorance does not always prove to be bliss.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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